Some may say I'm a freak, but I am a normal teenage girl just without a normal past. I decided to write my feelings in a blog in order to get out my true feelings. I'm tired of putting on a facade that I am okay. A fake smile hurts more than tears. Words cannot describe my feelings, but I'm going to have to learn to convey my thoughts into words so others can understand.
So I'm 16...I'm a junior in highschool. I just started being homeschooled because of my damn mom. I hate it...I feel alone most days because it's just my mom and I. And if you knew my mom you know that isn't good company. All she does is yell and blame me for all her problems. And I'm currently grounded because I told her off and because I went to a party without permission. I went outside for the first time in three days today. I just have been hibernating inside the house because the outside world doesn't seem appealing anymore. I've realized that depression, drug/alcohol addiction, and anxiety doesn't care how old you are or pick a stereotype. It grabs anyone it can devour. I have also discovered that I am missing something. I feel empty. I have tried filling that void with drugs, alcohol, and cutting. Anyone reading this is probably thinking I bet this girl has tonsof piercings, looks gothic, and is very pessimistic. In reality I'm a Varsity Cheerleader, I sing in a choir, and I go to church every Sunday. Everyone only sees my smile. I'm a pretty damn good actress. I have people tell me that I am the happiest person they have ever met. When truly I am aching inside. I need something and I think I know what it could be. I think I need parents. Good parents. I have always wished and prayed for truly good parents, but I'm still stuck with worthless parents.
Lately since I have been grounded I have been cutting a lot. I hide it by cutting on my legs. I'm ashamed to let anyone know. Most people who ever never cut don't understand the feeling it gives you. Cutting relieves you from emotional pain because your body is so caught up with the physical pain. You get a high from it and it's very addicting. I have been doing it everyday since I have been grounded. I have 23 cuts on my leg right now and the sting won't go away. And I think they are getting infected. I cut and get high to escape from reality. I want to become numb to emotional and mentalpain.And it pisses me off when my friends and family say they understand and preach at me because how can they understand if I don't quite understand myself.
Now you are probably thinking "what in the hell could be so bad in this chicks life, this girl sounds insaine?" I think I started feeling this void at a young age. Accept I started trying to fill this void by trying to be perfect in order to get my parents approval. I never got it and I don't think I ever will. It's the cold truth. My mom was a crazy Penecostal who wouldn't let me do anything as a child. Everything was" of the devil" and she wouldn't even let me believe in Santa Clause. She stole my childhood with her craziness. The first time I went trick or treating I was 14. And my friend and I had to lie to my mom so I could go. Because Halloween is the "devil's holiday." My dad is the complete antithesis of my mom. He let's me do what ever. They do however have something in common. They are both crazy. My dad is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and likes to blame him being crazy on it. Pulling a gun on his wife..."It's because I'm bipolar." He actually is considered disabled because of his inabability to have social interaction with people because he is so crazy. So he doesn't work. As a child he was extreme and grandiose with everything. He yelled just to get attention. He did other stuff too, but I don't find myself quite ready to talk about it even in just a blog.
Enough about the past for today. I am in the present. Today I have been struggling with being happy. I slept until 4 p.m. because I didn't feel like getting up and facing life. I'm "tired of living, but scared of dying." Everyday seems to drag on. Today though my brother and his wife came over and I enjoy his company a lot. His wife is a bitch though. She cheated on him 3 months into the marriage and ignores him. She is always on her Blackberry. It's really annoying.Even at dinner she couldn't put the damn thing down. But I had a good time despite her and my mom. I'm just worn down from the day and I've only been up six hours. I don't know what my life is coming to anymore. I need a fix and running away might be that fix.
"A pill to make you numb, a pill to you make you dumb, a pill to make you anybody else, but all the drugs in this world won’t save me from myself."
Hey there.
ReplyDeleteI'm a teen too, and I think I may well be depressed. I feel so miserable and worthless all the time. Reading your blog has put things in perspective for me though, that life could be worse, and I just hope I don't start turning to cutting etc to relieve the pain.
Just thanks for writing. Be strong x x
you are not alone. i feel the EXACT same way. i stay up until 6 or 7 in the morning, and then sleep the day away. and when i am awake, im usually on my laptop, listening to music, or thinking about ways to just change it all and get away. I am also tired of living but scared of dying.
ReplyDeleteWe're all here for you if you need us. We're far away but we feel your pain and what else can bring people closer than understanding each other? You're a star - shine through the dark of the night and conquer everything. Being depressed is not you, you aren't depression. You are simply experiencing it. And no one blames you for it. But remember, depression is something like a cold or a flu, it happens to you. It isn't you though. Go to a counsellor and talk things out. Maybe he/she can even help you get a better home! Fight for it, girl. You are doubtless very precious (your writing speaks!) and deserve better. Be a go-getter. ;D
ReplyDelete)And yeah, don't give up, nO MATTER WHAT (y)
ReplyDeletehi, I could write my whole story down but that would take too much time. If you ever want to talk or msg or anything this is my email Topeakada_0000@yahoo.com . I'd love to hear from you, it's always good to have someone to talk to that you don't know. I could use a friend,and so could you.
ReplyDeletehey, i just read this and i know exactly what your feeling! Reading this made me feel happier cus i know that other people have the same problems as me. People who know about it always tell me that talking to a councellor will help. It never did. I hope you find happiness. One thing i've tried is mini - quotes of the day. Everyday find something inspirational that makes you smile, write it on your hand and everytime you see it you will feel better.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to chat, annahunt88@gmail.com you can always get hold of me x
I kno how you're feeling. My mum's pretty mad too but not mentally, just really rude. It hurts a lot but i don't cut myself because i kno it will give me pain. If it didn't i would have done it. But don't do it, you need to look at yourself. You are a great writer and to get a good life, you hav to study. That's one way. think about more. Think about the pain you're causing to yourself. Think about the sadness you feel because of it. Be happy because nothing matters more than you're heart because then you will be fine and everybody else too.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm so glad I found this blog. I come from a very big family of 12 children. I am 17 years old. I recently started homeschooling because I was to the point of suicide at school. My parents are divorced. I know it's wrong but I hte my dad. I hate him so much. He has a girlfriend now and I hate her too. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety but it's been really bad lately. I've been cutting, alot, and I can't stop. I just want to keep cutting. I cut all over my legs, arms, and all over my stomach. My brother saw my scars and told my mom and a ton of his friends. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. My family says we are Christian but I don't think anyone is except my mom. Now people are looking down on me because I "have issues" I looked at this blog because I need to know I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou're not baby and you shouldnt be ashamed. Everybody has issues. The way you handle them is up to you. xx.
DeleteO don't know when or how long ago this blog and comments are but you shouldn't be ashamed of your scars. I have scars on my arm that cause of that I have to wear long sleeve even in the summer. The scars will heal, your not the only one that's cut before, and won't be the last, but please don't cut! Do whatever you must do to reach your high ( drug free of course) :) & trust me theres never anything you can't over come. Any one one wants to talk my email: lavendeexploratory@gmail.com I will reply if someone is seeking help or just wants to talk about there problems. I will not ignore anyone. I know hoe it's like to have absolutely no one to talk to, or even worse have people who "care" about you not give a fuck, so everyone is welcomed to message me anytime. :)
DeleteWhhoops lol *lavendercoloreater@gmail.com sorry autocorrect! :)
Deleteomg!!! i know how your feeling right now
ReplyDeletei used to cut myself too, but dont worry things WILL get better with your mom, trust me.
read me at: http://yeahimateenageblogger.blogspot.com
Depression...i had that for 15 years of my life..im 18 now and i dont know if i can still call it depression..its much worse than that..because the date of my death is something i have in mind all the time..and that day is soon
ReplyDeleteI want to say I'm sorry but I don't know what I'd be apologizing for. Am I sorry that your life sucks or am i sorry that you feel the need to end it? Pity doesn't help it only makes you feel weaker. I know this from experience. I also know that life is hard and sometimes too much to handle but I'm trying my best to push through it and so should you. Because if you have been strong enough to make it this far, you can do anything. Depression is a monster that never stops feeding. Don't let yourself continue on being its prey.
DeleteAnd if you need someone to rant to or if you just want to let some things out, I'm here. I know that its hard to tell those close to you your problems. email me whenever you'd like because I know how you feel.
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ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you feel like. I used to cut too, but I dont anymore so you need to know it does get better. Not that it got better for me, but yeah, you need to get a hold of yourself. I now have existential symptoms. I dont see the point in living anymore. I think about death all the time. But im scared of dying, too. Im tired of people. Im tired of life. Just know that you are not alone. Im here for you, along with so many other beautiful people. Just tell me if you ever want to talk. I would love to be your friend. I would love to have your company.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way you do. I don't cut though. I hate my mom and don't really mind my stepdad. I want to live with my dad, but I don't want to lose the few friends i have. I get really bad headaches from stress and am always depressed. I don't want to live and I don't want to die. Im really confused about everything. Why do i even exist? What is the point of being here? Why does everyone have to be jerks? I put a smile on my face and pretend like nothing is wrong. Most people see me as a girl thats always happy. If you ever need someone to talk to just email me at tifftaff142@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI used to cut. I have been considering doing it again for a while now. I got my report card today and it sucked. My dad told me that I am not Einstien and I need to work hard. He's right. But I just don't see the point. I mean, grades can't really measure your real intellegence, just how well you can regurgitate the shit teachers feed you. I just can't do that. I feel so awful. I don't have any friends, at least not the type that I can really talk to. All I can do with them is joke around. I hear other kids bitching about their lives and I want to scratch their eyes out. They actually joke about things like depression and suicide. I heard two boys joking about bullying, suicide and depression today and I wanted to slap them right in thier stupid faces. I just want someone to talk to, someone who understands. I hear kids in school bitching about their lives, the same kids who joke about things like bullying and depression. I want to yell at them, tell them that they have no idea what they're talking about. I just want a friend. I can't believe that I have actually resorted to going on a blog and telling people I don't even know how I really feel. Please don't hold this against me. I just want to talk to someone and I have realized by now that I can't count on anyone that I actually know and am around everyday. If you will listen to me, I will always be there to listen to you. Even if we aren't face-to-face.
ReplyDeleteIf you still need someone make sure to let me know ill always be there and trust me i delt with bullies till i moved and even then the damage was done and that in no way compared to my home life i used to do what you did to
Deletei have never been as depressed as you seem to be so i cannot say that i understand what you are going through but please dont hurt yourself for i can guarantee you that the situation you are in, the hurt you feel will go away. i was in a similar situation once, but i did not loose hope now i am happier than ever.i turned 18 last summer and moved out to go to college and was presented with so many opportunities, friends that care about me and motivations to change my life for something great.
ReplyDeletebelieve me if i could do it so can anyone. please dont loose hope and dont hurt yourself, life has so much to offer and believe me you will not want to miss it. try to make best out of what you have. dont waste your life for anyone else as by doing so you will let that person win. choose a passion and work for it go to a good college turn your life around and show your mom that you can excel even with her making your life miserable.
- I Just need someone that would just listen & Wont talk . I need someone to understand . Ive been through Way worse than you . I think death is my only way outt ..
ReplyDeleteIf you still need someone you can talk about this, just email me at ririeziquiel@gmail.com. I can say that I somehow understand how you felt since I've been depressed for over a year already. ^^
DeleteI'm so happy to have stumbled into your blog. I'm sixteen and i have really nice people for parents.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's wrong with me, but sometimes I feel like my whole life's a lie. My dad and i have had a patchy relationship since his parents a.k.a my paternal grandparents passed away. He gives the silent treatment and becomes maniacally angry at times. Like today, for instance, I had a really bad headache in the morning and i said i didn't want to go to school. My dad mumbled something pretty rude and I lashed out telling he had no business in my room. He was like, this is my house and you've no right to claim a room as yours. I felt pretty bad and i still feel like that. I even wanted to run away to escape this madness.
Having a rough relationship with one your parents is tougher than having no parent. I don't know what to do.
i dont even know if you are still reading these comments and i know if you are still depressed you dont like hearing that we know how you feel but dont let yourself become the reason for your depression i havent been in your exact situation but i have been in close to the same state of mind i used to cut regularly and currently i have cut 161 times not counting the name i cut in my arm my life has gotten better since i started but it is still hell everyday of my life i look at it this way they say we go to a better place and i have no clue if they are right but in our situation girl when the time comes when we do die it will have to be better then this
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, there are so many teens (like me) that are out in the world that doesn't know what to do but feel that rush/numbness to rid themselves of the pain that they have gone through and going through. That's just how we deal. You're not crazy, you're just learning to cope. Good Luck
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletehow did you notice? i mean i cry to my mother asking and begging to send me somewhere to give me help but shes always to busy and tired and sad... i feel like im going to died one day because im not getting to help i need, i feel sad everyday and i dont know what to do anymore i havent cut in 11 months and im proud of that but i feel like one night im just going to give up and do everything i can to end my sadness. Just how do i get her to noticed i really need help?
DeleteAh! Shoot, I just realized your post was from a few years ago. I am curious to hear how you are doing now. I truly hope things are better for you!
ReplyDeleteI really wish id come across your blog sooner id be glad to hear how you are now and i have a person in my family a lot like your mom and it bugs me to death most times id love to hear back from you and trust me your not alone i dont believe in the i understand bullcrap cause i know it doesnt help so just leave me a reply
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm not gonna start this off by saying "I understand what your through" because everyone's story is different and it pisses me off when someone who has no clue clue what I'm feeling says they "understand". But ur the first person I've ever met whose gone through/going through something similar to what I am. (Crazy mom, who blames her illness, and pretty much destroyed my childhood). But ya, I'm not a goth whose full a piercing either I'm just a girl whose fake laugh is mastered and smile is constantly plastered. If u ever wanna talk I know I would love to talk to someone who may be able to relate. Email me sometime: liaholla@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteOh wow quite a number of comments but imma add mine anyways....though I haven't been through depression before because to be honest I'm quite stronger due to certain past events in my life... I totally totally feel you man... Havi that life that everybody sees you smile everyday so they never know deep down there's a major problem going on...I'm also a teen Christian an trust I also feel you when you say you can't go anywhere...if you need to talk with anyone just know that I'm around we could talk about stuff..maybe not necessarily your depression but other things to get your mind off it... :).
ReplyDeleteAnd just know nobody can fill that void in you better than Jesus...just don't let anybody impose Christianity or certain rules in your life...not even your parents... My email>> jennifersarkodie@gmail.com peace out ✌️
Cutting aint gonna solve that. I hav read fanfics all the time about people doing this but try this. Whenever u hav the earch to cut. All u do is get a pen and make the lines with the ink, not the blade.
ReplyDeletewhen i read this i understand what the pain is and how the high helps, i have never done any of that as i am a very young person but i still understand how it is. i have read so much and seen so many videos and at one point i was so close to falling into depression in 6th grade, i scraped past though and don't suffer from it but being so low and feeling so horrible is just destroys you as a person. i was bullied for 3 years in primary it started in yr 4 as time went by i slowly progressed to think badly of myself have low self esteem and even when i was so close to falling into the trap set out for me to fall into the hands of depression i still got through it, i go to church every Sunday have a sister with a learning disability and i'm afraid of handing in work to teachers, i'm scared of asking permission to use the bathroom i'm scared of even asking my own dad if i'm allowed to go to a friends house or to dye my hair i had to write him a letter on paper. i am to this day scared of him, his idea of having fun is nearly chocking me with a jumper, that caused me to fear wearing jumpers when around him. i'm scared of possums because when i was young he shoved me towards an aggressive mother possum and it snarled and growled at me, i was only 3!!! i know what its like and even though you feel your life is crap your still living it and for that reason you are my inspiration. you are what keeps many like yourself feeling hope and giving them the knowledge there is a chance. If you can do it even if the fear of death is what motivates you to live, at least your living. I wish i could meet you, i want to help to be a friend but i live down under in Australia and your in america. i can tell because you mentioned junior year. I want to help to be there for you, be a helping hand. maybe one day we will meet and become the best of friends. i know one thing about every one in this world, and that is we all have our hidden story wether it good or bad we all have our secrets and your one to be brave enough and speak out about it.
ReplyDeletestay strong honey,you will make it
ReplyDeleteyou ae beautiful,worth it and you are too good enough ..i love you so much and am here for you..you are not alone
really love your blog, i have the same feelings as you. I have a blog as well. Maybe we could be friends
ReplyDeletereally love your blog, i have the same feelings as you. I have a blog as well. Maybe we could be friends
ReplyDeleteWe are not talking about it enough!
ReplyDeletehttp://problemkidsblog.com/2014/05/28/talk-teens-depression/
My life is literately yours, I struggle with the same things. I love your blog, I'm here to talk btw. I'm not really of a social person/ very shy. I hope you're doing better now, you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteMy life is literately yours, I struggle with the same things. I love your blog, I'm here to talk btw. I'm not really of a social person/ very shy. I hope you're doing better now, you deserve it.
ReplyDeletei feel you girl. i get bullied and pick on at my school sometimes and i hate it so much but i cant seem to say anything back when they bully me. i just want to say be strong
ReplyDeletejust remember that there's a purpose for why you are alive, it may take some time but you'll find it. keep strong <3
ReplyDeletei've done the running away option. it was needed. to be alone and think. if anything you can runaway heere. i can relate and be your ears, and a friend.
DeleteHi everyone,
ReplyDeleteWe are a team of teens in a project called MEET that are trying to create a websie that would help depressed people. We'd really like you to fill out this survey:
http://goo.gl/forms/MqCvUwBzdB
Thank you!
I know that it must be very hard for your life and I am so sorry you have to go through this. Honestly I think moving away or even calling someone will help. Try to move in with your brother or something. Just don't give up just yet. Their is so many other great things that will come to your way. I may not be religious
ReplyDeleteat all but I know that you are bound to be happy. Just try your best and stay alive and prove your mom wrong. Spend everyday trying to show her she was absolutely wrong. And Always will be.
I am a teenager too, just 1 year younger than you and I know that life sucks at this age.Like u, my past is also not normal and great but I keep a smiling face.......reading this blog, I feel like u r someone like me... we have gotta hold or whether we like it or not. I want you to know that I really do undrstand and I want to be there for u
ReplyDeleteI am a teenager too, just 1 year younger than you and I know that life sucks at this age.Like u, my past is also not normal and great but I keep a smiling face.......reading this blog, I feel like u r someone like me... we have gotta hold or whether we like it or not. I want you to know that I really do undrstand and I want to be there for u
ReplyDeletehey there... i really don't know how to start but i feel u. And guess what? I am 13 years old.... Feeling that stressful pain recovering of my craziness. I have so many friends at school and i thought they cared so much about me but they don't. My school is hell. I think it is exactly like a high school expect all my friends and nonfriends are all wanna bes. I use to be so smart at school... now i am not. I want to go to college but what if i can’t since so many voices are in my head. I feel life is over. So tired everyday of having that same school days with those horrible people. I am called the bad kid. I have been accused of things i didn't do... Horrible things. Thank god I am not expelled i just have been suspended but all this school stuff is just one part of my stressful horrible life. Home.It feels better to say this to people who understand so here it goes. Lets start from beggining so whoever you are understands... My mom and Dad had nothing in common so they got a divorce i stayed with my mom and that was a pretty good choice since my dad didn't want me when I was little. That was when i was 4. One year later my mom met this very nice guy. I mean i even loved him too! But no he wasn't what i thought. Sometimes my mom and him would have some fights but one day they were tired of it so he told him to leave. Another year later ( ya i know.. a whole year) they made up. I was like 8 or 9 i guess. Here it comes... I was 10 my mom was taking a shower me and my almost step dad was chilling watching Tv when he asked me if i needed a massage. i was like sure schoolwork was pretty hard. So he laid a blanket on the floor and rubbed my back but then he was getting weird. His body position. His hands in someplace they weren't supposed to be. After that every night. Every single night came that horrible thing he did to me. Where is my mom? Shower every night she took. How could i tell her. She loved him. I wrote all those things in a journal very detailed... One day my mom was looking for a journal to write in so she went in my room and looked and looked and she saw mine. She read it. Thought about it. Took it in. I don't know how many days she waited to tell me about that she read my journal but one day she asked me about it. I started to cry and she did too. She felt so sorry that she wasn't there to help me. But it wasn't her fault. It was mine. Well the usual thing they do when someone has been raped and someone finds out... She reported. Things got tough and all i felt was sadness. I just ruined my mom's love life and everyday she must be thinking it's her fault and her daughter has been raped. I used to be sad at that time. Months passed i held in all that depression that it turned into anger. Only anger... But when something so sad would happen i would just burst into tears just like that. Now it's been about 3 years and still depressed. Thank God for everything he has done for me because now i am getting therapy and treatment for myself. But everything still sucks
ReplyDeleteHi nice post hope u r well now.I felt really bad after reading ur post.God Bless You
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ReplyDeleteI don't know what's wrong with me, but sometimes I feel like my whole life's a lie.i always feel alone..bt best way out is listning music..
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's wrong with me, but sometimes I feel like my whole life's a lie.i always feel alone..bt best way out is listning music..
ReplyDeleteI feel depressed but I am still sorry.As someone with the same lifestyle
ReplyDeleteYou have similar mind like my soul.
ReplyDelete