Some may say I'm a freak, but I am a normal teenage girl just without a normal past. I decided to write my feelings in a blog in order to get out my true feelings. I'm tired of putting on a facade that I am okay. A fake smile hurts more than tears. Words cannot describe my feelings, but I'm going to have to learn to convey my thoughts into words so others can understand.
So I'm 16...I'm a junior in highschool. I just started being homeschooled because of my damn mom. I hate it...I feel alone most days because it's just my mom and I. And if you knew my mom you know that isn't good company. All she does is yell and blame me for all her problems. And I'm currently grounded because I told her off and because I went to a party without permission. I went outside for the first time in three days today. I just have been hibernating inside the house because the outside world doesn't seem appealing anymore. I've realized that depression, drug/alcohol addiction, and anxiety doesn't care how old you are or pick a stereotype. It grabs anyone it can devour. I have also discovered that I am missing something. I feel empty. I have tried filling that void with drugs, alcohol, and cutting. Anyone reading this is probably thinking I bet this girl has tonsof piercings, looks gothic, and is very pessimistic. In reality I'm a Varsity Cheerleader, I sing in a choir, and I go to church every Sunday. Everyone only sees my smile. I'm a pretty damn good actress. I have people tell me that I am the happiest person they have ever met. When truly I am aching inside. I need something and I think I know what it could be. I think I need parents. Good parents. I have always wished and prayed for truly good parents, but I'm still stuck with worthless parents.
Lately since I have been grounded I have been cutting a lot. I hide it by cutting on my legs. I'm ashamed to let anyone know. Most people who ever never cut don't understand the feeling it gives you. Cutting relieves you from emotional pain because your body is so caught up with the physical pain. You get a high from it and it's very addicting. I have been doing it everyday since I have been grounded. I have 23 cuts on my leg right now and the sting won't go away. And I think they are getting infected. I cut and get high to escape from reality. I want to become numb to emotional and mentalpain.And it pisses me off when my friends and family say they understand and preach at me because how can they understand if I don't quite understand myself.
Now you are probably thinking "what in the hell could be so bad in this chicks life, this girl sounds insaine?" I think I started feeling this void at a young age. Accept I started trying to fill this void by trying to be perfect in order to get my parents approval. I never got it and I don't think I ever will. It's the cold truth. My mom was a crazy Penecostal who wouldn't let me do anything as a child. Everything was" of the devil" and she wouldn't even let me believe in Santa Clause. She stole my childhood with her craziness. The first time I went trick or treating I was 14. And my friend and I had to lie to my mom so I could go. Because Halloween is the "devil's holiday." My dad is the complete antithesis of my mom. He let's me do what ever. They do however have something in common. They are both crazy. My dad is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and likes to blame him being crazy on it. Pulling a gun on his wife..."It's because I'm bipolar." He actually is considered disabled because of his inabability to have social interaction with people because he is so crazy. So he doesn't work. As a child he was extreme and grandiose with everything. He yelled just to get attention. He did other stuff too, but I don't find myself quite ready to talk about it even in just a blog.
Enough about the past for today. I am in the present. Today I have been struggling with being happy. I slept until 4 p.m. because I didn't feel like getting up and facing life. I'm "tired of living, but scared of dying." Everyday seems to drag on. Today though my brother and his wife came over and I enjoy his company a lot. His wife is a bitch though. She cheated on him 3 months into the marriage and ignores him. She is always on her Blackberry. It's really annoying.Even at dinner she couldn't put the damn thing down. But I had a good time despite her and my mom. I'm just worn down from the day and I've only been up six hours. I don't know what my life is coming to anymore. I need a fix and running away might be that fix.
"A pill to make you numb, a pill to you make you dumb, a pill to make you anybody else, but all the drugs in this world won’t save me from myself."
